Category: Comedy


God & The Nine Miracles

God woke in His bed in the usual way:
His dry eyes bloodshot, His beard all astray,
His tongue dry as sand, His lips chapped a bit,
His nose curls in from the reek of armpit.

The being who, to a universe, gave birth,
His attention held on one tiny Earth.
He showered, made coffee, checked His email.
A billion prayers in varying detail:

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Alright, I didn’t actually draw this. A friend of mine did while she was cheering me up. And because the last thing I wrote was so dark I thought, “My mood is anywhere near that anymore. I can’t just leave my site like that!”
So since I’m not in the mood to write, I give you “Kimi Cheers Mario up and Mongo Transforms!” drawn by Kimi.
(Working title. She hasn’t approved it. She probably doesn’t even know I put it here.)

(Written in 2006 in a notepad I used to carry around. Drunkenly forgotten in 2006. Recently discovered in 2011.)

Silence.
Uncomfortable, awkward silence. Years of conversation experience have taught me that an awkward silence is caused by both individuals.
Why is it, then, that I can not sit in the deadly silence without feeling entirely responsible? Why am I suddenly under so much pressure to talk that the only subject that comes to mind is the damned silence itself!?
The situation suddenly becomes one of total amnesia. 25+ years of my life just vanish and leave me with about as much conversational skill as your average armchair (An above-average armchair may show me up with a witty bit of insight or at least discuss the weather).
On their end all I can see is an expectant but bored face.
This is why I don’t date.
Oh great. Now she’s leaving.

As many of you may have encountered, once in a while a horoscope is sent to your email address, posted on your myspace bulletins, linked to on facebook, twittered about or simply stapled to your arm by your loving wife on your way to work.

Well, sick of all of these vague “This is totally your life” horoscope emails and such, I took the time to write up my own very specific horoscope.

If you find these SHOCKINGLY accurate… That’s because they are. I’m that good.

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A little over 3 years ago, my friend (and then roommate) Scott took up bartending for about one week. It was during this time that he found a tan Fossil watch in the Lost & Found Box, and had decided to keep it. He had brought it home and shown it to me, but said it wasn’t his style. I asked for it but, for a reason I can’t seem to remember, he chose not to give it to me. Instead he simply held on to it.
Several days later, while we were in the company of our tall friend Mike and his girlfriend, (the name of which always fails to come to mind) Scott was once again displaying the watch which he wouldn’t wear but kept on him for some reason, and had it snatched from him by the girlfriend. (Malia? Mal..nourished? God damn, what was her name?)
Over the course of a little less than a year or so, I’d occasionally mention the watch to her and jokingly (but seriously) mentioned that if she wasn’t going to wear the watch or do anything with it, I’d like to have it.
What can I say? I dug the watch.

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