Screaming At Walls

As many of you may have encountered, once in a while a horoscope is sent to your email address, posted on your myspace bulletins, linked to on facebook, twittered about or simply stapled to your arm by your loving wife on your way to work.

Well, sick of all of these vague “This is totally your life” horoscope emails and such, I took the time to write up my own very specific horoscope.

If you find these SHOCKINGLY accurate… That’s because they are. I’m that good.

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When I was a young boy living in the hinterlands of Anderson Valley (Which, if you don’t know, consists of the two small towns of Boonville and Philo), my family owned a beautiful mountain ranch. Not like a cow and horse ranch, but a large part of a mountain with a simple cabin on it. I loved this beautiful piece of land.

There were redwood trees that seemed to go up for miles and had trunks as large as some apartments I’ve lived in. The ground seemed to be consistently red from the bark of these redwoods trees. Secret, fern laden creeks that ran to a river deep within the woods where we’d swim and see birds, deer, rabbits, and other various forms of wildlife parade around us. I’ve followed trails that I’ve never reached the end of, even after a day spent hiking through the woods.

At the base of the mountain, there was an orchard. Now a bare field with two simple apple trees standing far from each other, this was once a place where my family had grown fruit to harvest and live off of generations ago. Even in my generation, my niece, nephew and I used to play there and see dozens of trees. Apples, oranges, pears, cherries, and lemons grew each year offering an easy way to avoid going back up to our parents for food. There was also a 100 year old outhouse down there, but I don’t think we need to get into that horror story.

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A little over 3 years ago, my friend Scott took up bartending for about one week. During this time he found a tan Fossil Watch in the Lost & Found Box, and decided to keep it. After he had brought it home and shown it to me, he said it wasn’t his style. I asked for it but, for a reason I can’t seem to remember, he chose not to give it to me at this time.
Several days later, while we were in the company of our tall friend Mike and his girlfriend, (the name of which always fails to come to mind) Scott was once again displaying the watch (and again, I can’t remember why) and had it snatched from him by the girlfriend. (Malia? Mal..nourished? God damn, what was her name?)
Over the course of a little less than a year or so, I’d occasionally mention the watch to her and jokingly (but seriously) mentioned that if she wasn’t going to wear the watch or do anything with it, I’d like to have it.
What can I say? I dug the watch.

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Alright, so I don’t actually have time to write anything to go here. Therefore, I’m pulling ye ol’ blogging tricks and posting something I wrote somewhere else a long damn time ago. So, for your reading (dis)pleasure….

And Thence Came a Treasure!

(slightly revised)

So recently I was enjoying the fact that for once I actually had some fucking cash. I found myself and my then-girlfriend traveling from store to store; Not really purchasing anything but acknowledging “Yeah, I could afford that… but it’s not good enough for my bad ass”. Who wants a PS2* anyway?

Eventually we found ourselves floating around Best Buy, where I discovered a treasure in which I thought could never be found in any location in the WORLD!

Return of the Killer Tomatoes ON GAWDAMNED DVD!

Return of the Killer Tomatoes

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That’s right! We’re back! Not only are we back, but we’ve got a whole new format and a lot less content!

Old Photoshopped Stuff